How to Find Success with Dating Apps and Not Hate Them So Much
Tools to Stop Wasting Time on Dating Apps and Enjoy Dating Again
📷: Thanos Pal
Nowadays, we hear the words “dating app” and unconsciously cringe in response. The reaction is universal from those who once experienced the algorithm, daters currently enduring the exhausting swipe and the “lucky” ones who merely hear the stories while sending praises up above.
Dating apps’ reputations are down bad and the trending rise of their new opponent, single IRL events, is proving daters are done with the finger aches.
Done, but not deleted. As much as dating apps are being dragged in the mud, their relevance is still viable. Yes, the market is over-saturated, and the paywalls are disappointing, but there is something to be said for their reach, and dare I say, success stories—the flickering light at the end of the tunnel that makes dating apps tolerable.
Sure, it’s dimming, but there are benefits redeemable for daters, if they dare to dabble in the algorithm. In this dating app boycott climate, there’s a big possibility you're eye-rolling at my dating app support, especially as a dating coach.
Well, that’s because I don’t hate dating apps.
How can I when I met my now partner on them? Skim through a few of my other columns and you’ll find I’m an advocate for the little devils (even before I met my partner). To be clear, I disapprove of the outrageous payment plans, exclusive membership gibberish, and their addiction coded tendency. But I’ve always said dating apps don’t control us; we control the dating apps.
Like every element in our dating lives, we have control over what dating apps we use, how we show up, and how often we want to engage with them. If at all. It’s a dating preference, just like the preferences you put down for your prospective partner. We all date differently. It’s understanding what works best for us and our mental and emotional capacity.
There’s enough shame in the dating world without the shame of using dating apps or vice versa. It’s preference-based. Introverted daters may find dating apps more approachable, while an extrovert finds them suffocating, who is an ideal candidate for singles IRL events. Not to say an introverted dater can’t find their rhythm with the event crowd. I encourage my introverted daters to date outside of their comfort zone.
Because there is more than one way to meet someone. Technology has just provided us with another tool. Dating apps shouldn’t be a solo act. We should use them in tandem with single IRL events, community engagement, friends, and, hardest but simplest, being open to the interactions we have throughout our day. But as dating apps shouldn’t be a solo act, we also shouldn’t pair one with another app.
We should utilize dating apps moderately, and one at a time. Mindfully and independently of each other. Dating apps are dating fatigue’s best friends, and getting stuck in the endless swiping trap is real
The apps are designed to keep you swiping and coming back for more. But the first step to taking back the reins is choosing one dating app and sticking with it. Your choice can be based on your current dating intentions, like committed relationships or sexual exploration. They can be determined by cost or app niches, such as LGBTQ+ focused or interest-related. Haven’t you heard? The dating app market is oversaturated. Meaning the limit of options doesn’t exist. But our self-awareness does, so let’s pick one.
Unsure what dating app to use? We have a mini breakdown of a few here, but a good place to start is knowing your dating intentions. Looking for relationships, Hinge or Bumble is a good starting point. Trying to explore your sexuality, go to Feeld. Don’t like to chat with your match before the date? Try Breeze. Need friend support, Fourplay loves a double date moment.
Despite the app you choose to use, the next step to releasing the control dating apps have over our dating life is setting a daily swipe time limit.
Dating apps are designed like social media. They want us to stay sucked in and swiping, but that’s the breeding ground for dating burnout and low dating confidence. As much as we feel we need to optimize our swiping time to get the ultimate results, the opposite is true.
Unsatisfied swiping will only lead us to resentment and jadedness in our dating lives. We need to allow room in our lives for other things like IRL dating, friends, solo time, and hobbies. All the other things that make up our life. Dating is a priority, but it’s not THE priority. We need the other parts of life to show up on dates as our authentic selves.
And to get on those dates, we need to get our matches off the apps ASAP. Pen pals are out. Once you match, feel comfortable with communication compatibility, then plan a date within the first few days of matching.
Dating apps are simply a connection tool. We can screen for similar interests, dating intentions, and attractiveness, but the real compatibility check comes from meeting in person.
Adjust the mindset of using them. Approach them tactically, not emotionally. When we attach ourselves emotionally to each profile and match, we are exhausting ourselves with people we have never met. We need to protect our peace with dating apps.
And we do that by using other ways to date, in tandem with dating apps, like finding ways to meet people IRL. If IRL dating events aren’t for you, then the best way to meet someone is by attending classes or community events that connect to your interests. When they share activities or interests, you are more likely to meet like-minded people. Double points if the class is recurring.
Dating apps are simply another dating tool. They don’t deserve to have a chokehold on our dating lives. If you decide dating apps aren’t for you, be sure you’re ready to put that dating effort into singles events, your community, or staying open to meeting people IRL. Dating takes effort. You just have to decide what you do with it.
So, will we ever be rid of dating apps? Probably not. Do we want to get rid of them? Probably not…
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