How and When to Start the Casual to Committed Relationship Convo
Becoming Confident in Your Dating Vulnerability and Telling Someone You Want More Than a Casual Relationship
Ready for something more than casual? The first rule of dating is vulnerability. One of the first times we show vulnerability in a new relationship is when THE dating intentions conversation comes up. Truth be told, no matter how comfortable you are with someone, sharing your true feelings is scary. But incredibly rewarding when we finally decide to lean into our vulnerable side. Rather, it’s casual, teetering on friends with benefits, or moving in a long-term direction, telling someone you want more takes a lot of guts… and preparation.
By preparation, I mean knowing what you want. Emphasis on the word YOU. Despite what the other person wants, our personal relationship goals take president. The more in tune we are with ourselves, the more confident we will be in our delivery and needs in case their reply isn’t what we hoped. Casual to committed is a natural progression of a relationship if it’s what all parties want. The trick is bringing up the subject inclusively so it won’t, as they say, “scare them off.” However, the right person won’t be scared off by your true feelings. There is power in vulnerability and give yourself a pat on the pack for even acknowledging you’re ready to have the conversation.
Before officially entering the casual to committed zone, we want to be clear about our dating intentions. What do we want and need out of the relationship? What does commitment mean to us? And does this person align with those answers? These questions can go deep, but don’t run away just yet. After understanding our dating intentions, there are a few ways to help start the casual to commitment conversation with your new partner.
To calm the nerves, we break down the steps to telling someone you want more than a causal relationship, or simply, just want more!
Before the conversation… start with YOU
Choose your reflection tool, journaling, quiet time, or talking to your closest friend. Ask yourself these three questions:
What do I need to feel secure in a committed relationship?
What does a committed relationship look like for me?
How do I envision my immediate future with this person?
Next, remind yourself how lovely you are. Rejection is a part of dating, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be ready for it. Even if rejection is just that the other person isn’t ready for a committed relationship yet. Be strong in your sense of self and know your non-negotiables. Despite the results of the conversation, what will make you feel successful in speaking your truth?
Write three positive affirmations about yourself. No matter the results, you’re still strong for acknowledging you want to have the conversation.
Remember, there is strength in vulnerability. You’ll feel the proudest when you leave the conversation, knowing you shared your true feelings. Don’t hold back. Your feels are valid. Say that to yourself through the conversation if you need a reminder.
Reflect on the relationship… up to this point.
A good place to start is figuring out how long you’ve been dating. Healthy commitment takes time, like it does to get to know someone. It’s natural to feel rushed to put a label on it as more feelings get involved. But there is clarity in trusting the process. We trust the process by homing in on clues the person we’re dating gives us. Think about these questions:
Do they share intimate and vulnerable information with me?
Do they speak about the future together and introduce me to friends?
Are they consistently planning dates and making time to see me?
Do I feel safe to be myself around them?
Has the person I’m dating hinted at commitment?
If you’re feeling confident and good in your answer, then the relationship is probably moving towards commitment. But don’t rush! Just having small conversations of commitment, friend introductions, or talking about the future is moving the relationship forward. However, verbal confirmation can become inevitable when the relationship reaches a certain point. A rule of thumb is always three months of dating before having THE talk. But remember, dating is about sitting in the undefined for a little. Allow yourself to be present and let the relationship flow. Keep asking yourself these questions and give it time.
Start the conversation… keep it casual.
The casual to committed conversation doesn’t have to be serious, nor does it need to be planned out. There’s not one recipe, script, or timeframe for when it needs to happen. We know by trusting our intuition. A way to prep the other person before snowballing your feelings is by verbally asking if they have time to chat. If you’re long distance, suggest a phone call later that night, or if you’re together, find a time you’re alone with them.
Ways to start the conversation…
Mirror back a conversation you two previously had where you felt aligned. Reference the moment to bring your partner back to that time and express how you felt then. This will introduce vulnerability in a shared space.
Start by explaining how much fun you’ve been having with them and how happy you’ve felt these past few months. Explain how you are not interested in dating other people right now and ask where their thoughts are with becoming exclusive to see where this relationship continues to go.
Hopefully, all parties align to continue exploring the new relationship. No matter the outcome of the conversation, it’s incredibly powerful to show this level of vulnerability. If the conversation doesn’t end the way you hoped, try to see it as redirection. You’re ready and you shouldn’t have to compromise your feelings and stability to realign with someone else. Your feelings are valid. You got this!
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