Why I Don’t Unfollow All My Exes on Instagram
Navigating Social Media After a Break-Up & How to Listen to Your Feelings
📷: @raynatobinThe topics of the dating questions I’m asked as a dating columnist change with the seasons, but a few are unwaveringly consistent. And the one with the answer that shocks the questioner the most is: Do I unfollow my exes on Instagram?
My simple answer is no. With one exception…
Dating experts and writers before me have researched the millennium dating question with persistent and logical reasoning why unfollowing an ex is a healthy decision. And, in some situations, they are right. Insert “orbit dating” (the idea of keeping people on your Instagram for possible rekindling in the future) into the equation, and you have a solid explanation of why continuing to follow your ex can lead to toxicity.
The problem with claiming there is one answer to the unfollow question, which in this case is yes, is the dismissal of the fact that every dating situation is different and how people move on is diverse. As dating experts/writers, we can explore the dating handbook from opposing angles, but the key to helping daters is by proposing different tactics to the dating questions that stomp us the most.
The first point is, exes aren’t the only people we end a long-term relationship with. To keep our heads from exploding from more unnecessary dating terms, exes, in my book, are people from past long-term partners, situationships, FWBs, and those we consistently dated for an extended period. Exes are the ones that make up our dating stories.
So, why don’t I unfollow my exes on Instagram?
I can’t say I’ve never unfollowed someone, but I can say those I unfollowed no longer served me or aligned with who I was anymore. I find seeing an ex on my feed, after ending the relationship, helps me move on with more strength. It’s not to say I don’t mute them. How I decide is listening to my own thoughts and feelings. Seeing my ex on my feed allows me to observe my immediate reaction and see how they affect me. So my answer is no, I don’t immediately unfollow or mute. I listen to what my heart has to say.
How do we use Instagram to observe our feelings and decide to mute them?
My method of moving on from an ex is by deciding first if I need to mute them. I choose to mute them by staying aware of my reactions to their posts on Instagram. Did this trigger me to overthink—what are they doing, who are they with, or are they thinking of me? These feelings tell me I need space. Space means muting. Muting allows me to focus on my healing journey. To clear the space in my head, my ex once took up. After I feel secure and wonder how they are doing, I’ll search for their name and look at their stories. If I only feel happiness for them and want to continue to see their content as a silent supporter, I’ll unmute. If they give me the ick... I unfollow.
If seeing their posts on Instagram leaves only a minor sting, I keep them unmuted for the time being. In this situation, I dated these people consistently for a few dates, and it ended well. I still consider them a friend and want what’s best for them. I monitor my feelings as time goes on in case I need to mute. But the key to muting is understanding your own feelings towards your exes. If you are one who cannot be friends or a silent supporter (which is very normal), the best is to unfollow.
When should you unfollow your ex?
If your ex is toxic, emotionally, or physically abusive, or the relationship ended on bad terms, unfollowing them is the best decision. There is truth in immediately unfollowing an ex. Again, it comes from being aware of the issues within the relationship and how your partner made you feel from beginning to end. There is strength in unfollowing when the person has caused or continues to cause emotional distress.
Sometimes unfollowing comes later. Maybe you tried the muting method or kept them on your feed, but now seeing them isn’t sitting right with you. And this doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on. Moving on from people we once dated can make us develop new perspectives or opinions. Dating helps us grow and the people we date teach us lessons. These lessons can change our likes and dislikes, and what we desire in a partner or our friends. Our realignment can change how we see someone we used to date—giving us the ick. Instagram should be a space we curate with people and brands that align with who we are. The exes who are out of alignment get unfollowed. Like the friends and brands that no longer serve us.
Unfollowing and muting are a process. It is a part of our healing journey as daters in the era of social media. There are many opinions out there on how it should be done, but the thing to remember is how we feel. Healing from a past relationship or situationship is personal. We all move on in different ways. With all the different perspectives flying around, the first place to start is yourself. Then allowing yourself the grace of trial and error. It’s our feed. Our exes. Listen to your feelings at each step, mute, and unfollow.
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