The Unsaid Dating Rules Before, During, and After a First Date
Green Flags to Look for on a First Date and the Non-Negotiables of Good Date Etiquette
I’m not one for putting “rules” on dating. My entire mission is to help you create your own set of tools. There’s not one dating rulebook to abide by. However, there are unsaid rules of dating etiquette that can help us sift through the bad eggs.
The thing is, we all have different dating wants, negotiables, and non-negotiables. That’s what makes us human. That’s what makes knowing our personal dating preferences so important. But in the same vein, there are some universal first date green flags that can help us gauge how respectful and kind a person is.
Now, we all have different kindness meters, but some qualities help us know if someone is a good egg. They are essentially starting points on our lists of needs and wants.
These qualities are good dating etiquette — non-negotiables for dating respectfully and being a good person. Even though we don’t owe our dates a kiss or open schedule, we do owe them human decency. Just like they owe us the same back.
So, what is first date etiquette— the non-negotiable green flags?
Let’s start with green flags before the first date.
Each person puts in mutual effort to plan the date. Both suggest places, times, and activities. They help create a date that works for everyone.
They check in before the date. A confirmation text goes a long way. The day of the date, they send a text that lets you know it is still on and they’re looking forward to meeting them IRL.
They’re not overly texting. You don’t know this person yet! You want to keep the texting to a minimum, meaning once a day. You don’t want to create false intimacy before meeting each other.
Next, arriving! AKA first date greeting etiquette.
Be on time! Relatively, if you’re a New Yorker. You don’t want to go past 10 minutes. Be respectful of their time and yours!
Know your boundaries. Do you like a handshake or a hug? If you prefer a handshake, initiate it first. Catch the vibe if you’re a hugger! If the person feels unsure, ask them for a hug before.
Now you’re on the date. These are some first date non-negotiables!
They are respectful to the staff… that’s just being a good human.
They talk highly about their friends and family. Yes, families aren’t perfect, but they shouldn’t air personal dirty laundry on the first date. Is there respect for their loved ones?
There’s active listening! Meaning they not only listen, but refer to things you shared at the beginning of the date.
They respect your boundaries! Don’t like touching on the first date? Share it with them. They shouldn’t push you to kiss or even hug if you’re not ready.
They make sure you leave safely. I’m not talking about paying for your Uber but making sure you get into a car okay or they walk you to your subway station. This is especially true for men, but it can go both ways. You are both mutually making sure everyone gets home safe.
They send a thank you text. Even if you don’t want a second date, it’s respectful to say thank you for taking the time to meet up. The non-ghosting text doesn’t have to be in the same text. I recommend that you sleep on it and make a clear decision.
And for my biggest non-negotiable. They don’t talk poorly about dating and how much they “hate” dating. Why hate on the thing you are currently doing? It sets a negative tone to the experience and allows for date bashing. We can have our qualms about dating, but it shouldn’t be what we connect with someone over. We want to let our best selves come forward.
Now, I may use the words “they,” but these non-negotiables apply to you too. They apply to all of us. It’s being a good egg. Just go back to our childhood learnings— treat people how you want to be treated.
We’re all people here trying to find connection. Be kind and stay curious.
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