Get Out of the Situationship Zone! How to Ask the Question “What Are We?”
Steps to Get Clarity in Your Relationship and Telling Them You Want More
The number one question I get when I’m sitting on a panel or talking with a client is how to ask the question, “what are we.” It comes up when someone is ready for more in a relationship or stuck in a situationship or loop with someone and can’t get out. They ask… how do I say what I want without being too serious or starting an argument about what I’m not getting?
Sound familiar?
Well, the first step is letting go of sounding “too serious” or “too needy.” When you’re asking someone to define a relationship, you’re not asking for their hand in marriage; you’re simply gaining clarity on everyone’s intentions with each other. It’s an opportunity to check in, advocate for what you want, and decide how to continue the relationship going forward.
Not having this conversation is the number one culprit in situationships. By definition, situationships are undefined relationships. And that’s never the goal, whether you’re dating for a relationship or dating casually.
So, how do we ask, “What are we”?
The number one place to start is to get clarity with yourself first. Journal, reflect, and talk to a close friend, coach, or therapist to understand where you stand with this person. What exactly do you want? What is the next step for you?
Getting clear on what you want makes it easier to express it in person. Knowledge is power, and knowledge about us is empowering. You can find keywords and define feelings and wants, make your delivery stronger, vulnerable, and intentional.
Now, it’s time for the delivery.
You want to pick a time where you are both free of distractions, in a safe space, and where you both feel comfortable. This can be tricky to orchestrate sometimes, so opt for one of your homes or a place with minimal people. It's helpful to set a time to chat, so that you both know what’s coming. Sharing that you want to talk about the relationship beforehand can give the other person time to collect their thoughts.
With starting the conversation, focus on your feelings. Bring up how your feelings have developed, what this person means to you, and what you hope for the relationship going forward. Just don’t start with “what are we?”
You’re ready for the conversation, so lead with clarity and set the discussion up on a grounding start. Instead of saying “what are we?” try…
“I’ve been loving getting to know you and starting to feel connected to you. I would love to continue exploring our connection and only date each other. What do you think about being exclusive going forward?”
“I like you and feel like I can be myself around you. Being with you feels good, and I want to continue exploring an honest relationship together. How do you feel about only dating each other?”
“I like you, but I’m confused about where we stand. My intentions are to date for a relationship, and I would like that with you. However, our/your actions haven’t been reflecting that. What are your intentions for this relationship?”
“We haven’t had a moment to sit down and talk about what our intentions are here. I’m looking for a relationship and see potential with us. I’m ready for that next step of commitment with you, but I want to make sure we are on the same page. Are you ready for the next step?”
Not loving those? Follow this formula:
State your feelings/thoughts
Share what your intentions are
Open up the conversation to them to share their thoughts
After that, let the conversation flow and hear their side. And take what they say as fact and truth. You may not get the answer or clarity you’re looking for. That’s why it’s important to know what you want and remain the advocate for them at the moment. If you are met with rejection, be ready to move on. Acknowledge and accept the misalignment and ask for space.
But rejection is not always! You may have just built the building blocks for a healthy foundation for your relationship! Your clarity and vulnerability set the precedent for active communication and lead you to a deeper connection.
Hooray! That’s dating intentionally.
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