Are Dating Apps the Problem? What’s Killing Modern Dating
How to Manage Today’s Swipe Culture and Stop Modern Dating Overconsumption
We can’t seem to break the chokehold dating apps have on us. We’re craving IRL dating but falling short on creating connection. Daters are clamoring for more dating events and meet-cute opportunities, but in reality, they just don’t scratch the dopamine itch like apps do.
Because, unlike dating apps, meeting in-person takes more patience and vulnerability, which daters haven’t been practicing for the past 5 years. COVID took a toll on us. Consciously and unconsciously, we’ve let the apps dominate the dating scene. Blame it on technology, COVID, or the unavoidable advances of humankind, but they have made an asteroid-size dent in the state of modern dating.
Dating is harder than it’s ever been. Everyone is craving a real connection, yet stuck in a cycle of blame, exhaustion, and overconsumption. Our fingers point to dating apps. They’re the ones who gave us too many options and made us believe likes and matches equal worthiness. We’re not wrong, but are dating apps the only problem?
In today’s dating scene, we’re fed endless amounts of opportunities to “connect” with people. Whether that’s through social media, dating apps, community-driven apps, and dare I say it, IRL dating events. Which, to a non-urban dater, may seem random. But to urban daters, in-person dating events are now a part of the dating system.
Dating events are undoubtedly amazing tools for getting back into IRL dating. They are, in my professional opinion, a crucial addition to anyone’s dating strategy. Yet, for a price. One that may not be on your dating budget. And if that’s the case, how can you meet people if not on the dating apps?
We can connect with our immediate community. Our dry cleaner, fellow cafe goers, volunteering, joining running clubs, or pottery classes. We can ask to be set up by friends (a free version of a matchmaker), attend dinner parties, or throw them ourselves. We can live fully present in our everyday. Live the IRL dream, aka what humans are wired to do.
All things that, again, are crucial for a well-rounded dating strategy, especially one with an emphasis on IRL dating. Yet in-person dating takes more time investment, vulnerability, rejection therapy, and a ton of patience. Which Gen-Z and younger Millennials have little practice in?
Thank you, dating apps.
And modern dating.
Some claim dating is a numbers game, but we’re given a plethora of numbers to sift through. We’re swiping, judging, matching, texting, dating, DMing, looking at Insta stories, scrolling TikTok, attending events, connecting with people at bars, going to parties, dinners, meeting friend-of-friends, and doing it all again the next week!
We’re not just exhausted. We’re emotionally exhausted.
And why?
We aren’t meant to connect with this many people at once.
Swiping through a profile initiates connection probability.
Matching and messaging someone on an app is a connection.
Texting is connecting.
A date is a further connection.
Meeting someone at a dating event is connecting.
Engaging with our community is a connection.
Attending social events and plans is a connection.
Can connecting ever be too much?
Maybe, but how much is for us to determine? We all operate at different speeds and tolerances. Our social cup can deplete at different rates, and dating is a part of socialization. It may seem that it’s categorized in a different group, but each time we engage with dating, whether it’s on the apps or IRL, we’re using our social battery.
A battery that we easily overuse. Aka, causing burnout. It’s just not realistic to be operating at the social speeds we currently are. We simply have too much access to people.
Now, is deleting the dating apps the solution to all of this?
Maybe, but it’s not the win-all-solution because, as much as dating apps have cons, and we have been proven that again and again (hello, Tea App scandal), the apps still have pros. One being providing an opportunity to meet people outside of our social circle or giving us a way to experience dating in the event we don’t have time or are not financially able to fully dive into IRL dating.
You may be wondering, isn’t IRL dating just existing as a human? Well, yes, but in modern dating, work, money, the political environment, and weakening social skills are making it harder to fully commit to meeting someone organically. And for those that are looking to gain dating experience, going on dates and building confidence with dating, IRL dating can be difficult to jump into immediately.
That’s why dating apps can be a helpful tool to those experimenting with dating or who have less time and a smaller budget. Emphasis on the word tool.
Because dating apps are just a tool. One we can choose to use or not.
So, dating apps have pros, but that doesn’t stop us from being subject to overconsumption and emotional exhaustion that come with it.
That’s where we come in. We as in our personal awareness and control. For dating in general, we need to set the parameters and boundaries within which we want to date. It is all a personal preference. Like social media, we have the power to control how much we participate and consume.
If we are using dating apps in tandem with IRL dating and events, how much time are we leaving for rest and other life priorities?
If we are only dating IRL, how to regulate events, community clubs, and social events without sacrificing our rest?
If we are only using dating apps, well, that shouldn’t be our only dating strategy. That’s when we’ve given all control to dating apps. In my professional opinion, it’s time to start integrating some social muscle training.
But for the sake of those who are using the dating apps for reasons that are their own, I have a few tips for you to implement to regulate your use, take back your dating power, and stop over-consuming connections.
Turn OFF notifications. You do not need to be notified of a like, match, or text.
Set time permeameters. Only use dating apps once a day for a max of 30 minutes. You can break it up to twice a day for 15 minutes, but don’t max out.
Only use one at once. If a dating app is giving you results or not aligning with your date boundaries, switch what apps you use. Choose the one that works for you!
Be intentional. Put your dating intentions and show who you are in the realist way possible through prompts and pictures.
Match with people with similar interests as you, not just ideal looks.
Set a time limit for how long you message on the apps before proposing a date. After 3 days of chatting, the date possibility peaks. Don’t chat too long before suggesting, and let the convo die.
Get to a date ASAP. Again, set YOUR personal time limit.
Unmatch people who don’t align or are not putting in mutual effort.
Don’t let apps define your worth! Apps are a highlight reel. Your number of matches does not define your eligibility. Seek worthiness in yourself and your loved ones.
Date in other ways! Go to events, start talking to people at coffee shops, and engage with people at the social/friends’ events you are invited to or host yourself!
The jury is still out on whether dating apps will be around in the next 10 years. As people shift towards IRL dating, the answer is unclear. All we can do it date on our terms. To use or not to use? And if to use date apps, please do so wisely.
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