How Long Should a First Date Last? The 90-Minute Rule Explained
Why Setting Time Boundaries on First Dates Prevents Burnout and Keeps You Curious
First dates get a lot of coverage. There is an endless list of dos and don’ts that can be impossible to keep track of, especially when we are also trying to be present, authentic, and not at all nervous.
Covering every first date “rule” is unrealistic and actually not the solution to our battle of the first date. Yes, first dates can indeed be high-pressure, nerve-racking, and sometimes awkward. We’re meeting a new person for the first time. Even if it’s a set-up by a friend of a friend, the chances of you being one-on-one with this person before the date are slim.
There are many unknowns going into a first date. What will the person be like? Will they look like their profile or the picture I was sent? Are they going to like me? More importantly, am I going to like them? What do I do if I don’t… How long should I stay? What if they ask me what I’m looking for? How vulnerable should I go?
The list goes on…
But the answers aren’t so far away. Many of them are quite near. We just need to ask ourselves the questions first.
Okay, so not every answer can be answered before a first date. That’s the whole point of the date. To learn about each other and to see if this is a viable match worth exploring. We have to experience to answer those.
But for the ones that we can prep for, we’ll be doing ourselves a favor by answering them for ourselves. Now, there are many date boundaries we can set, but for the sake of not creating any more pressure than there needs to be, today we’re answering the one that seems to be a culprit of that pesky dating burnout we keep hearing about.
How long should we stay on a first date?
The rule of thumb is 90 minutes to 2 hours maximum, but it varies depending on the type of date you’re on and your personal preference.
If you’re on a coffee or drink date, then an hour is a respectable time to spend with someone, especially if you’re not feeling a connection. However, if the conversation is flowing and you’re feeling good, spending 2 hours to continue connecting is also acceptable.
Where it gets fishy is when you start to go over the two-hour mark, not because you’re not enjoying your date, but because you may not be honoring your own time and schedule.
Sometimes it is believed that the longer we stay on the date, the more information we acquire to know if we even want to go on a second date with someone. While on paper this sounds correct, in reality, we aren’t able to get the deeper, more vulnerable information we’re searching for.
Why?
We are still on a first date. Everyone is on their best behavior and only sharing what is comfortable for them. Aka their go-to conversation topics and starters.
Not to say these aren’t great, but by staying too long on a date, we don’t allow ourselves to want to learn more and stay curious.
However, there is a world where staying beyond the two hours makes sense, but only if we are able to stay mindful of our energy and feelings throughout the date. Our date boundaries are for us, not the person across the table. Only we know how we feel after a long date with an early call time in the morning, or how quickly our social levels deplete.
You’re not a “bad” dater because you don’t abide by the 1-2 hours date suggestion, but it’s important to check in with yourself.
If you are feeling constant burnout or are a serial first dater who exhausts themselves on every first date to save themselves from a potential second date, there’s a moment when you must change your approach.
The truth is, you will have great first dates that only last to a second or third date. You will have subpar first dates that barely last an hour. For those, don’t be afraid to respectfully make your leave when it feels right.
First dates’ length times are fluid. Start with a benchmark, but most importantly, check in with how you feel and honor what is best for you.
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