Practical Steps to Show Authenticity on Dating Apps and First Dates

Vulnerability is a scary word. It holds a lot of weight for daters. Well, anyone really. But without it, our dating life would be stuck at the surface level. An ideal spot to be if you don’t want a relationship or connect with people on a deeper level. However, that’s not the case for many daters, let alone any humans.

We need human connection to survive, and that survival comes from showing a little vulnerability. Now, when this word comes up with clients or conversations I have with daters, the room becomes stiff. It’s a big word, but it doesn’t have to be.

I know, you’re probably wondering how vulnerability can’t be scary. Well, we can’t completely remove the fear of being vulnerable, but we can certainly take the edge off with a less daunting approach.

See, vulnerability doesn’t mean pouring your whole life out to someone the moment you meet or on a first date. Heck, you can be vulnerable on a dating app! (Highly advised if you want to find quality matches that actually align with you.) Being vulnerable can simply mean allowing someone to see the next layer underneath our standard social conversations. Like the weather, our job, our day, and our go-to conversation starter, we use at networking events.

It's not to say those conversations aren’t important. I believe in the power of small talk. It helps us break the ice and ease into conversation with someone new (or even with someone we’ve known for years). People give small talk a bad rap, but it’s a great place to start in building a connection. We can do it with the people we meet on the street, at a coffee shop, or with someone in line at the grocery store. They all count as moments of connection.

But when it comes to transitioning to dating, vulnerability is needed. It’s what gets us over the surface-level hump of connection. It opens us up, even if it’s just a little.

Now, how do we accomplish this without totally freaking ourselves out?

For starters, we can add some vulnerability to our dating app profiles if we are using them. What that means is opting for a few pictures that represent activities or hobbies that you enjoy doing, such as cooking, volunteering, or pickleball. Next is to add some vulnerable sprinkles to your prompts. Add your dating intentions in there. Go beyond choosing an intention on the app and share what it is you’re looking for in a prompt. Too forward? Think about what you’re enjoying right now or what you do in your everyday life. Can you share specifics in those prompts? Aka going beyond, “I love morning walk and coffee shops.” Where do you walk, and what kind of coffee do you get? Maybe ask a question for someone to answer in the prompt.

Okay, we’ve made it to the date. What now? Well, start off with the small talk. Ease into getting to know someone. It’s okay to talk about the weather or the transit system, and what a mess it was getting there. But as we touch all the surface-level topics, it’s time to peel a little layer off the top of our onion. And you most likely will be the one to introduce a new, vulnerable topic.

However, I’m not sending you in without prep. In your time alone, brainstorm 3-5 topics that you’re interested in and excited about right now. What are the topics that aren’t “surface level” to you and are important for you to learn about someone?

Still don’t know. What do you love talking about with your friends? Or what something you’ve purchased recently that gets you adulting excited? Do the topics relate to family, mental wellness, sports, friends, or relationships?

Write down 3-5 topics that stand out to you. Now, write down two questions for each one. These are the questions you ask on a date to go beyond surface level and introduce topics that excite you.

Showing a glimpse of your true self is what helps you gauge how aligned you are with the person across from you. It feels scary, but allowing even a layer of our authentic, vulnerable self helps us in dating. It attracts the ones that complement who we are and weeds out the ones who don’t. This means that, yes, it opens the possibility of rejection.

But rejection is always there, whether we show vulnerability or not. It’s a part of dating, so we might as well lead with who we are. Not saying it won’t hurt, but the more we practice showing up as ourselves, the more confident we become. Practice makes almost perfect.

The fact of the matter is, we must be a little vulnerable to build a relationship with someone. It’s okay to take your time opening up; that’s how it should be. We’re all little onions shedding our layers one at a time. Just don’t become an onion that molds before ever showing what is sweet and spicy underneath.

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