A Step-by-Step Guide to Knowing Your Non-Negotiables Before You Date

The first step to identifying deal breakers in dating is self-reflection. Shocker, I know. It all begins with you. It may seem easier to just date without prepping first, but you would be doing yourself a disservice. Because dating without direction or knowledge about yourself is a recipe for situationships.

Now, as we take this self-reflection journey together, it’s important to continue to focus on your needs. The outside world likes to tell us who we should be dating. But you’re the only one who knows what that looks like.

So, we begin to identify our dating deal breakers by writing down everything we want in a person. I call it, Who Are They, Who Are We. An exercise I created to gain clarity and create direction.

It begins by writing down in the present tense everything you want in a partner. Start with their characteristics, values, beliefs, and goals for family and life. Continue with how they communicate, their hobbies, and even their looks, if you feel the need to get specific. Let this list flow!

Once you’ve exhausted your options, start with the We side. This is who you are together as a couple. How do you communicate? What do you do together? Are you community builders? How do you support each other? Imagine a day in the life with this person. What are you doing together? Talking about?

Stay with me, there’s a method to my madness.

Next, we are going to decide what is a non-negotiable in the two lists. Non-negotiables are things a person MUST be or have for you to consider dating them. In other words, a dealbreaker. Now, if you find everything to be a dealbreaker, you’re doing it wrong.

Because I hate to break it to you, but no one is perfect. And some of these things on the list you need to build with this person.

Start again by looking at the imperative things. Wanting children, a long-term relationship, marriage, culture, religion, and political views. What are your fundamental values and goals you want to achieve?

Now we’re into visualizing. How can these things on your Who Are They list play out on a date? How are they speaking to a waiter? Are they a planner? Do they co-create with you? How do they communicate? What’s the conversation like?

These hold important information about dating deal breakers in the early stages of dating. They can even come from past dates, good or bad, that serve as lessons about who and what you’re looking for.

Even before a first date, we can learn to identify dealbreakers on dating apps or text (communication) before a date. We do this by using what we learned from the Who Are They, Who Are We exercise and staying aware of how they play out before a date. These are mostly action-based, planning, communication, etc. These deal breakers can also be communicated by asking what they are looking for or screening their profile for any deal breakers that are fundamental values or aligned goals.

Dating deal breakers in the early stages of dating take various tools to understand, and they take awareness and intention to identify them when you’re swiping or on a date.

We won’t always remember everything on the list. As a matter of fact, some things on there may change. The point is to let them evolve as you grow as a person and in dating.

If you’re struggling to go on second dates or meet people because you are constantly saying no to people, it can be a sign that your dealbreaker list is too high. We need to leave room for humanness. No one is perfect, and your future partner won’t be either. You’re not perfect.

Reflect on what’s fundamentally important and challenge yourself to let everything else be discovered and grow.

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