The Summer I Stopped Dating People Without Long-Term Energy
How to Start Dating for Long-Term Relationships and Shift Your Dating Mindset
The summer I stopped dating people without long-term energy was the year I found my partner. I knew I was ready for a more serious dating mindset, and my dating intentions began to change at the beginning of the year. It wasn’t sudden, but a slow understanding of what I was emotionally ready for.
Before I changed my dating intentions, I was open to whatever outcome. A dating intention that served me well. I experienced different people, experiences, and relationships that helped me shape my needs, wants, and desires. And honestly, I was enjoying being single and the phase of exploration. Yet, as I gained more insight, became more secure in what I wanted out of life, I saw room for another person open up.
Not a space that I was once willing to create for someone who might come along, but a space that I had already created and was ready to be filled. I knew my feelings towards serious relationships were changing, and I decided to enjoy my vacation in Greece with my girls before shifting my dating energy once I returned to NYC. And by enjoy, I mean ENJOYED.
It was the most aligned I’d ever felt with myself. I knew who I was and the experiences I wanted to have, and I opened myself up to receiving them on my trip. And boy did I. I’ll save us all the details, but I achieved the summer fling romance I’d always dreamed of. It was very Mamma Mia, and when it was over, I was ready to date with this new intention.
My app intentions changed from long-term, open to short-term, to a bold, long-term relationship. I had never felt so sure of anything. It’s a knowing that is hard to explain. A gut, intuition feeling that it was time to start advocating for the long-term relationship I wanted. Which meant saying goodbye to old situationships or FBs, kindly rejecting dates that didn’t align with me, and voicing my needs to the people I was interested in.
My communication and advocacy confidence didn’t just come out of thin air. I had taken the time to understand what I wanted and create the tools to help me find it. I essentially was putting my dating coaching approach on a test drive. But there were trial and errors.
A man I was interested in ghosted me after three dates. But it had a low effect because I had stuck by the boundaries I put in place. No kissing on the first date, unless I felt the physical urge. No sleeping with a date, until I felt the physical urge and was ready for consented intimacy. And not overcommit my emotions, until I was sure we were on the same page. All of which I stayed steadfast in throughout my search.
Then it happened.
I finally went on my last Hinge date. Last fall, after the summer, I stopped dating people without long-term energy. People say, “When you know, you know,” but that phrase never really sat well with me.
It was a slow burn. One filled with curiosity, giddiness, and challenges that triggered unhealed wounds I was forced to face, both individually and together with him. I was forced to show up vulnerably. I couldn’t keep anything from him. It was a communication bootcamp without the roleplay. This was real-life.
For the first time, a relationship and a person started to grow with me. And looking back on my Who Is He, Who Are We exercise I did (that I now do with clients), the he and the we are everything I want and needed.
And I commend myself for finding it. I took control of my dating life and started dating from a place of alignment, graciousness, and self-worth.
And you can do the same. It’s not about following a rulebook, but knowing yourself and creating a toolkit of boundaries, needs, and communication tools that help you get to where you want to go. A long-term, healthy relationship that grows with you.
And these are the changes and steps that are going to get you there!
Understand what and whom you are looking for. Don’t just make a list of values and qualities of the person, but think about what the relationship would feel and look like, the “we”. Write them down and then store them away. And return to it when you need a reminder.
Listen to yourself, your body, and what your gut is telling you as you get to know someone. Try meditation, talking to yourself in the mirror, and listening to your gut in less high-intense situations to practice.
Create date and early relationship boundaries. These can be intimacy, timeline, texting, or time on a date. The key is to stick with them.
Start sharing your dating intentions with friends and family. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, own it! Start making it your reality before you meet someone.
Give yourself grace through the process, stay connected to your triggers, and start to communicate them with the person you are pursuing. The way they communicate and react to your needs is a TELL-ALL.
Don’t forget yourself! Continue to honor your ME time, personal activities, and current community. Remember, this person will appreciate the life you have created, find ways to join when they can, and celebrate your passions alongside you.
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