How to Know When to End a Situationship, Toxic or Not!

Questions to Ask Yourself When Ending Situationships and Validating Your Decision

📷: @stevie_jadee

No one wants to be the one to end it. Labeled the bad guy or get the bad rep for initiating a hard decision. Maybe the only person giving you the side eye is yourself? And what if you’re not the bad guy? You’re the protagonist saving yourself... and the bad guy from more unnecessary pain. 

Either way, you’re here. Contemplating whether you should end a toxic situationship, or sometimes even harder, end a relatively healthy new relationship that you know isn’t right for you. Despite the motive, the decision to let go of any type of relationship is daunting. Like anything, it’s a moment that can change the course of your future relationships. That isn’t to scare you. We do it every day. The place we decide to go for our morning coffee, the way we show up to work, how we greet strangers, or if we pick up the phone to call our mum. Our actions make an impact. Just as our thoughts do. Combine them both in a lethal dose of self-awareness and we’re on the home stretch to clarity.

Sure, the road to it isn’t all that pretty. But those not-so-good-looking parts are the ones that are going to help us answer the burning question. How do we know when to end a relationship?

It’s packing heat. That’s why it’s so easy to avoid. The lukewarm seas are much more comfortable than facing the facts and walking in the fire. Except you won’t burn. Not if you sit with yourself long enough to believe in your truth. Ending situationships can be notoriously harder to let go of. Not because they were more complex, but because what we’re holding on to was fantasy. Healthier relationships have cold hard facts, while situationships have blurred misconceptions. It just means we must work harder to find the reality of the situationship. 

And that’s how we know when to end a relationship. First, we find our truths in the relationship by asking ourselves these questions. Then, we let go by deciding and acting towards the future relationships we want. 

Questions to ask yourself when ending a situationship or relationship.

How do I feel when I’m with them?

Relationships emphasize our authentic selves. It takes time to reveal the different parts of ourselves. But if we don’t feel safe to uncover our layers slowly, this person may not be the one to hold this space for us to explore our personality. The normal anxiety we may feel from showing our authentic selves should come from ourselves, not the other person. 

How do I feel when we’re apart?

At the end of a date or hang, healthy developing relationships should leave us confident that we will see them again. Each hang shouldn’t end in existential dread that this is the last time you’ll see them. Lack of reassurance from their side, despite your efforts for security, is a hotbed for dating limbo. Dating unknowns are normal, but there should be comfort in the relationship’s progression. (even if it’s slow at first!)

Do they discuss future dates, and joint experiences, or introduce you to other people in their life?

Staying present is important, but those present conversations should also involve excitement in seeing each other again. Beyond experiences together, conversations involving other people in their lives should start. People decide to meet friends and family at different paces, but discussions about them and potential hangouts show willingness for openness. 

Do we share similar values, goals, and ethics?

Sometimes it simply comes down to nonalignment. The person you’re dating may feel great and check all the boxes, but the way you live your life doesn’t connect. Someone can be great, but not great for the future we want. We shouldn’t have to compromise our values to stay. This is the hardest question to answer. Do you like how they approach family life? What is their dynamic with friends? How do they respond to the values you share? What is their relationship with everyday life? Do they approach life and relationships similarly to you?

When making hard decisions, like ending a situationship, we seek validation. This can come from external friends or family members. Though they can hold space for us to contemplate, opinions or advice may make us feel more confused than before. We want to be confident in our decisions, despite other’s thoughts. 

Validate your decision to end a relationship by asking yourself…

Am I proud of myself for making this decision?

How will I grow after this situationship/relationship?

What healthier relationship do I visualize for myself after this chapter is over? Make a list of traits and characteristics of the future person and relationship.

How do I see myself moving on?

Unfortunately, we don’t have a crystal ball to reassure us that our decisions are the right ones. What we have is our intuition, gut, and self-awareness. The more we know ourselves, the more comfortable we become in the decisions we make for ourselves. And a relationship should elevate the life you already love. 

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