How to Trust the Process in the Uncertainty Stage of Dating
Understanding Dating Unknowns. How to Build Trust and Communication in Relationships
We’re told to trust the process in relationships, embrace the unknowns, and get comfortable with uncertainty. A revelation meant to soothe our anxiety while dating someone new. These sayings fall easily off the tongue but make zero sense when they land in reality. We can choose to sit in dating uncertainty, but how are we building the trust everyone keeps going on about?
The uncertainty stage of dating is the transitional period between early dating and intentionally building a relationship. It’s a natural, yet notoriously uncomfortable time where we navigate the steps of growing closer. We’re trying to find our footing on a path that works for everyone. To our minds’ dismay, there’s no way of knowing the exact coordinates of our path through the dating unknown. Alas, we somehow must figure out how to trust that we’re being led in the right direction and everyone involved is catching their footing.
How do we trust the dating unknown?
We calm dating anxiety by shifting our thoughts about a situation or person from negative to positive. Typically, the anxiety lives in the things we don’t know. Our mind has the room to create false beliefs and scenarios about future experiences or conversations with the person we’re dating. We latch onto these willingly because it’s something to latch onto. Something concrete to explain the things we don’t yet know. And that’s all we want in the uncertainty dating stage: clarity.
The dating unknown is made up of different unknowns. It’s the “unknown” and “known” communication theory. Also known as the Johari Window. We can break down how to trust the process by first understanding the unknowns we can control and the ones cannot. We increase our self-awareness to put energy into the things we can control, while simultaneously building trust in the areas that remain unknown. It’s impossible to only live in the known knowns, the things we know that we know. Like, I know I am eating dinner tonight, but I don’t know if I’m going to cook or order Seamless for the third night in a row.
Without confusing our vulnerable minds with more technical theory jargon (we’re already making up enough theories about our relationship), we’re soft launching with an emphasis on dating unknowns and how to use them to build trust and communication in relationships. Or most commonly referred to as trusting the process.
Start by knowing what you already know.
Stop fantasizing and get back to the hard facts. Reflect on the time you’ve spent with the person you’re dating, dates, phone calls, casual hangs, etc., and pinpoint words of affirmation and intentional actions. What feelings have you shared up to this point? Words of affirmation can look like saying they like you; they want a relationship; they enjoy spending time with you, or they remember small details about you. Intentional actions can include initiating dates, meeting friends, telling you more about their day, or having vulnerable conversations. Allow your mind to sit in the goodness of what you do know.
Your Unknown Knowns.
These are things that others know that we don’t know yet. They have yet to be communicated. This could be what the other person’s values/views of what our relationship looks like for them, marriage, kids, and all that make up who this person is. This takes time to uncover. You’re getting to know a person and even more getting to know your relationship together. We want to enjoy the journey of learning about the person and the relationship.
We assume in the interim of knowing. But we want to be careful to not let our assumptions skew reality. To level our anxiety in the unknown knowns, we need to assess our needs in a relationship and find ways to communicate these with our partners.
These can look like…
Texting expectations
Frequency of dates and hangs
How we communicate feelings
Expectations of personal timelines
We’re mostly in control of pursuing the unknowns known. By knowing our needs, we can set the intention to express them with our partner or curiously ask them questions about their relationship habits and actions. Though we can’t control the outcomes of the conversation, we can turn our assumptions into facts to base future decisions on. Take the first step in having a casual to committed conversation.
Your Known Unknowns.
The first step is accepting there are things we don’t know yet in a new relationship. We can’t always predict how the path to a relationship is going to play out. Our known unknowns are the things we know we don’t know yet. We come to know them when they arise. They are the natural challenges or growing pains in relationships that are triggered by time spent together or something your partner says. Now that it’s shown its face, we know there is something more we must find out to reach clarity. This brings us back to using communication and questions to reduce our assumptions about the situation and make it a known known. (yay!) We just must accept that these will show up in their own time. Build the trust by trusting in your ability to communicate your needs. Like you have before!
Finally, our unknown unknowns.
As is life. It’s impossible to know everything. If we did, what would be the point of learning? We’d be bored. For the unknown unknowns in a relationship, we must embrace exploration. Allow ourselves the opportunity to get curious about our partner and ourselves as individuals. This is the most anxiety-inducing part of the uncertainty dating stage. The only way through the dating unknown is through experience. To reduce the normal dating anxiety that comes with it, we look beyond the relationship back to ourselves.
What makes us feel stable without this person? Our career, friends, hobbies, time alone, going to events, or meeting new people. Stability starts in our circle. Nurturing the parts of us that make us fulfilled will build trust in ourselves. When we trust our ability to support our happiness, we trust we can bring this mindset to our relationship.
The meaning of a relationship is that we never stop learning about each other. People grow as they continue living. The person you’re dating now will change as you change, too. The point is to keep learning and digging through the unknowns together. That’s what makes it interesting, the unknown unknowns.
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